Piazza Folklore, Father's Day Edition

I feel sorry for those people who feel embarrassed by members of their family.

Remember how I said Baby Boomers were responsible for many of our current societal flaws? Well, that's mainly true...but much like the Twist, hippie twirls, acid trips, wife-swapping, and the Hustle, Baby Boomers can also inject a whole lotta fun into the world.

Case in point: parenting strategies. I'm sure previous generations had "kooky," "zany" or "off-the-wall" antics performed by adults, but only the Baby Boomers were able to take it into the mainstream. Stories about my grandmother were legendary, but stories about my mom's past, present and future? Let's just say I have enough material for an anthology.

There was a time in my angst-riddled teenage years where I found Mom's spontaneous singing and dancing...and Dad's oddball sayings and mannerisms embarrassing. But as I have meandered through my 20s, these moments remind me of a relatively happy childhood where I completely understand why I am the way that I am.


In honor of Father's Day, and of Baby Boomer parents everywhere, I give you John Piazza's Greatest Hits (or, the hits I can remember at least).


Potent Quotables:


"Joy, there's only one lesson you gotta remember. No one likes crazy people."
-circa 1999


"Listen. If it's not chocolate, it's not dessert. I'm not going to Pinkberry."
-circa 2009, after telling Dad Pinkberry didn't make a chocolate flavor


Dad: I don't understand Yanni's popularity.
Mom: Well I heard somewhere some fans of his like...thinks he has the power to heal. They listen to his music and are cured of diseases and stuff.
Dad: Oh, great. It's nice to know God has come back in the form of a bad piano player.


"Oooh. Flounder!"
-Repeatedly mimicking a kid in some Mrs. Dash commercial, circa 2002


Anecdotes:


Circa 1994: The Piazzas take a trip to California to visit the West Coast relatives. At San Francisco International Airport, Dad tries to find the rental car drop-off area. After driving once....twice...THREE TIMES around the ENTIRE TERMINAL, things get desperate:


Mom: John, we're miles from Hertz!
Dad: Shhhh hold on! I think I found it.


(sharp right turn)


Dad: Look! There's someone! I should tell him I'm a Preferred Customer because then we get the discount.


(speeds up to about 50 miles per hour, slows down within 5 feet of random airport worker - NOT Hertz worker - at a parking lot gate)


Mom: Is this Hertz?
Dad: Yes, Marilyn! One second.


(pulls over to random employee)


Dad: Excuse me? Excuse me? I have a car! I'M PREFERRED!


Circa January 1997: The Piazzas are on the USAir (or, "Useless Air") flight from LaGuardia Airport to Piedmont Triad International Airport. Upon boarding, Mom realizes the four of us aren't sitting together.


Mom: John, you didn't book these seats together?
Dad: (pause). No...
Mom: You booked last-minute, didn't you?
Dad: No...not really. I did this on purpose.
Mom: Oh, really? And why is that?
Dad: Well...this way....we all have an aisle seat. We'll all be more comfortable!

March 2005, on I-95 near Cape Canaveral, Florida

Me: Did we just pass another Denny's?

Dad: Yeah. We did! There's been a Denny's at every exit since Jacksonville.

Me: Wow.

Dad: Yeah. People here sure like their Denny's. Is it the sun? Or is it Florida?

June 2005 in Fort Lauderdale, Florida

(After the first tropical storm of the season. Dad knocks on the door to my apartment.)

Me: (opens door) Hey Dad!

Dad: (leaning on doorframe, drenched, with 30 MPH winds and rain behind him). I want you to remember this moment...and remember that I loved you enough to fly through a Monsoon to help you with the drive back home.


Circa 2009, at the Piazza Manhattan digs.


Mom (to me): Honey, do you want to see a movie tomorrow?
Me: Yeah! Maybe the new one with Robert DeNiro? A 7 o'clock show?
Mom: John, you wanna join us here?
Dad (staring at the TV): I have my show at 9 tomorrow. Gotta be home for Moonlight.

Circa 2010, at same apartment.

Dad: Joy! I wanna play you something.
Me: Yeah?
Dad (sits down at piano, plays lounge-ified version of "Take Five"): Pretty good, huh?
Me: Um, yeah! You're timing is a little off and too loungey..
Dad: What? I'm great! I'm getting better. I've really hit a breakthrough. I could take this on the road. "Traveling businessman!" (snaps fingers).

Great album covers in R&B history

This post is long, long overdue, mainly because I think about this topic often.

One of the plights of our generation and the consequences of instant information is that the concept of the "album cover" doesn't really exist. Back in the Baby Boomer days of LP vinyl, the cover was a big part of the musical experience. An album cover could tell a story, convey a meaning, or simply show off an artist's talent, sexual desires or physique. I would argue that it's one of few yet important things our parents' generation has given us that we have made worse (but, my friends, that is another post for another time).

Since I have been collecting records, I've come to appreciate a well done album cover. Of course, you have your classics (The White Album, Abbey Road, Dark Side of the Moon, The Stranger, Songs in the Key of Life, etc.), but sometimes the obscure and the obscene resonate the most. It's a crapshoot as to whether the songs on the offbeat covers are superior (even though, in most cases, they're not). But I think they are just as worthy in a collection than the obvious choices. After fanning through my own collection, records or otherwise, I've compiled a little list of my own favorites from my favorite genre, 1960's and 1970's R&B. What's the point of all of this? That, again, is another post for another time. :)

Veiled Sexuality, i.e. "Hey Baby, I Got What You Need"

Barry White's 1973 masterpiece leaves certain things to the imagination, but not much. His intention is pretty clear in this one - despite the fact he's oribiting space. This is the album containing White's epic 8-minute version of "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up." The best part about the long version? If you listen closely, at the very end of the track, someone in the studio screams, "whoo!" - as if the song is so powerful and so sexy, there's no recourse but to let it all out. Orgasmic? You betcha.

Let's also not forget Tom Brock, White's protege whose "There's Nothing in This World That Can Stop Me From Loving You" flew undetected in the mid-1970s...that is, until Jay-Z used a sample for "Girls, Girls, Girls:"

You can tell these guys had similar approaches with their look, their sound, and...their, erm, whoopee.

Overt Sexuality, i.e., Blame the Sexual Revolution

There's one pretty dated, pretty disturbing and pretty consistent theme to the album covers above and the ones below: women as objects. Whereas the ones above portray women as things a man has to "woo," 'impress" or "catch," the below ones treat women as prey. To our credit, women were able to parlay this objectification into equal rights, somewhat equal pay and a generation-long conversation about breaking down traditional gender roles. But if these album covers proved to be the fallout...well...at least we know how we got from this to "Girls Gone Wild."

The largest offenders? The Ohio Players. I've never bought one of their records due to principle, and I'm not quite sure I ever will. Let me show you what I mean:

I think you guys get the idea.

It makes me wonder: what was the real impetus behind these album covers? History would have us believe it was one more defiant act promoting sexual liberation, but if I had to pick the brain of any one of the Ohio Players, I bet they would tell me, "because they were hot, and we wanted to sell a lot of records." According to album cover folklore, the model in the "Honey" cover actually got STUCK TO THE FLOOR during the photo shoot.

Although, before you people write me off as some angry post-Steinem neo-feminist, these don't necessarily make me want to cover them up a-la Two Virgins. If you forget one second about the present, the future, the band's true intent or the fact that people were frequenting places like Plato's Retreat, I have a sneaking suspicion these women would say they agreed to it because it made them feel empowered and sexy....as if their mere presence could stop a man in his tracks and drive him wild with desire. It's much like the euphoric, invincible feeling professional strippers say they achieve when dancing (or so I've heard).

Plays on Words

This was a trend first discovered by my friend Elaine, and since then I've found a couple examples myself. It's a clever way to sell albums, and the covers themselves are so dated, they're laughable.

The Symbolic

Like that famous Dan Brown novel, when something might seem simple or commonplace on the surface, chances are it might represent something entirely different. Such is the case, I argue, with some R&B album covers. As complex as the St. Sulpice or the New Testament, one wonders what could possibly be the message behind Earth, Wind and Fire's succession of symbolic and cosmic covers:

ADDED BONUS: Inside/liner notes of I am:

Someone on an R&B message board theorized that the band was part of some Black Egyptian freemasonic order. Maybe so....but if their lyrics for "Spirit" is any indication, they were pretty big hippies: "Many years has passed and a day still we walk/in a path that leads to the light/shining down on this great beyond/thoughts ignite us, let love unite us."

Look at me!

And what kind of collection would be complete without those artists that put themselves in sexy, funny, or different settings? Isaac Hayes, I'm talking to you:

And while we're on the subject...Parliament Funkadelic, you have some 'splainin' to do:

Well, there you have it. A wonderfully hot, awesomely irreverent and fabulously colorful collection of funk and R&B album covers that never fail to put a smile on my face. The next time you stare at that little box on your iPod that's supposed to show you the album cover for a certain song, at least you'll be able to appreciate how much better it would look as an LP.